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Know Your Source
After my parents met Steve for the first time, we continued to spend more time together both as a couple and with my family. The day in which we’d tell them about baby JT was a long ways off. We’re talking months.
Steve had the idea to take my dad to a Twins game, and then tell him about baby JT. That idea didn’t go as planned, because they ended up talking about other things, one of them being me competing in figure. If you don’t know what that is, you can read more about it here.
My dad never liked the idea of me competing because he didn’t agree with me being in a swimsuit, on a stage in front of hundreds of people, being judged like I was at a cattle auction. I know his perspective is out of his love for me and wanting to protect me as his daughter, so I will never fault him for that.
There are several views on the sport of figure and the world of bodybuilding. Every one competes their own reasons, and if you’re part of the culture, there more depth to your understanding and your norm is different than those outside of that culture because you’ve experienced it.
Some people compete because they love the challenge of contest prep—the rigorous hours of training, a disciplined diet and the gratification victory. This victory doesn’t always come in the form of a title or taking home hardware, because for some, the growth that occurs in the journey is the greatest form of victory.
Some people have the goal of stepping on that stage after major weight loss and celebrating the achievement of their goal. Some people do enjoy the attention and the glamour of being on stage and having the body that many people spend their life wishing for. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I enjoy that part too.
I love competing because every thing about the sport stretches me mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Training pushes me to dig deep in each of these areas and the growth that I experience is priceless. I like pushing myself beyond what I originally thought was possible, because it is then I truly discover what I’m capable of.
What I’m capable of goes well beyond myself. My strength is not my own, but it comes from Christ. My family’s verse is Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”
I am who I am and I have achieved what I have achieved because of Christ.
No matter how mentally tough I think I am, how strong I think I am physically, how dialed in my physique is, or how “in-check” my emotions are, the most important aspect is the spiritual side of my training—my faith.
As I sit here and write this post, I was prompted to write this:
The Holy Spirit prompts me when I write and at other random times. I get a burst of inspiration and then I run to find a pen or my phone so I can record the words I’m given. This is what came to me today.
Nothing we achieve matters if we don’t recognize where that success comes from. I don’t win because of anything I’ve done. I win because God has given me the body, ability, discipline, faith, heart, confidence, and endless means to succeed. All that I have and all that I am is because He is my source. My eternal victory is secure because of what He has done for me. Victory in Christ is the only victory that truly matters.
Growing in my faith is the best part of figure. I get pushed to the limit when I train and no matter how tough I think I am, there’s always a point where my strength is not enough, and in all actuality, it never will be.
I draw closer to Jesus because I’m literally depending on Him to deliver. He will always provide, and He promises that. What He provides may not always look the way I thought it would, but ultimately He knows what’s best.
My next figure competition would be the North Star on Saturday October 2, 2010. This would be my first competition in which Steve trained me from beginning to end. For my other competitions he started helping me in the final weeks of contest prep.
My goal in competing in the North Start was to win the show, but really what I wanted was to qualify for the national competition that would be held on October 16, 2010 in Atlanta. In order to qualify to compete on the national stage I had to place in the top three of my height class.
This was the moment I was waiting for…
Just remember, I love you.
Today wasn’t just any ordinary day at the gym. I had trained with Steve earlier and then I was going to spend the day relaxing by the pool, or trying to relax I should say.
It was a rough one. The man I cared about was going to be leaving work to have a baby with another woman. I was dreading the moment he would call me saying he was leaving to go to the hospital.
I always wanted the experience of having my first child to be something I shared with my husband. This was supposed to be an experience for a married us, instead of a non-married them. That plan was out the window. It was hard to swallow the fact that my boyfriend, the man I cared about more than anyone, would be leaving to support another woman in labor. Is this really my life right now?
I tried to relax and calm my spirit by the pool, but I was restless. I laid on my stomach as tears rolled down my face just thinking about it; breathing slow controlled breaths, trying to get myself to calm down.
I felt sick to my stomach. What if he changes his mind about me? What if the birth of his son is so overwhelming and such a life changing experience that it brings them closer together and he decides he wants to be with her? No, he wouldn’t ever do that…would he?
All the time we’ve spent together, being so happy together, being passionate about the same things, working through the ups and down of the situation, surely that had to be enough?
He told me he loved me…surely he meant it.
He meant it.
He loves me.
Steve… loves… me,
and only me.
My phone rang; I glanced down and saw Steve’s name and picture on my phone.
Pulling myself together I said, “hello?”
“Ash I just wanted to tell you that I’m leaving now, and I love you.”
“Okay,” I replied, attempting to hold back my sniffle and tears.
“I will call you when I get back, okay?”
“Okay.” I muttered.
We hung up. It was happening.
Steve was leaving the gym and the next time I’d see him, he’d be a dad.
I cried, lying on the pool deck, as the commotion of the kids swimming and the upbeat music played in the background. I was anything but upbeat. I wanted crawl into a hole.
My phone vibrated, I opened up the text and it read:
“Ashley, remember that I love you.”
Diamonds Are Made Under Pressure
Mid July, was staring me in the face. All of our talk of Steve becoming a dad would soon be a reality. The thoughts, ideas, dreams, and what-ifs would be a thing of the past.
Steve and I were at his town home making dinner together as usual. Our time together seemed to grow more serious. We both were trying to find a balance in the situation.
For me, I was battling being supportive whole-heartedly. I knew I was going to support him the best I could, even though my heart was torn. The day he would become a dad would be a joyful day for him and a heartbreaking one for me. Don’t get me wrong, I would love that little boy with all of my heart, but my dreams were shattered.
I had always dreamed that I’d be sharing the rookie year of parenting with my husband. Instead, my boyfriend would be experiencing this first with another woman. Ouch!
Steve had gotten over the initial shock of being a father. He was so excited to be a dad, yet I knew he struggled with how all of this made me feel. He knew how hurt I was, and was very sensitive to that.
He communicated his feelings for me very clearly to me to thwart off any doubt in my mind about how he felt about me. Having a child with another woman wasn’t going to change his feelings for me, and he flat out told me that.
He wanted to be with me and only me.
He checked our food on the stove and said “Ash, come here,” as he motioned me into the kitchen, patted the counter, inviting me to sit down.
Okay, I thought. What is he doing?
“I just want you to know that I may not always say this to you in the exact same way, or show you in the exact same way, but I just want you to know…” He reached under my legs, pulled open the kitchen drawer and took out a small box.
My heart sank…
“I love you.”
Speechless, I looked down at the box, (with a sigh of relief that it wasn’t a ring), to see a beautiful pair of diamond earrings.
My mind was spinning through the rolodex of responses I could give. I wasn’t sure of what type of response he thought he’d get. Oh my goodness, he just told me he loved me! I can’t say it back; I’m not ready to say it back.
“Thank you.”
I put my arms around his neck and gave him big a hug.
“That was really thoughtful, thank you.” I proceeded to put the earrings on.
No one had ever bought me diamond earrings before, but it was totally in Steve’s character to be thoughtful and giving. Like the time he bought me my own pair of pink Title boxing gloves.
He was so selfless, and was always willing to help people any way he could. There were so many things I adored about him, far beyond any gift he could ever give me. Would those qualities and my feelings outweigh my fear of this situation? Was I really going to walk into all of this and choose this life for myself?
Steve made me feel so special that day, yet I knew there would be challenges to come, especially in the days ahead.
In All Things, God Works for the Good of Those Who Love Him
Steve and I continued to spend time together. I couldn’t help but feel the weight of this decision on my shoulders both when we were together and apart. It was always on my mind.
We had more conversations about the whole situation and God continued to work in my heart. This wasn’t going to be easy. I was battling the hurt in my heart and the jealousy of what this woman took from me, and what Steve chose to give away.
“So, how or when are we going to tell my parents?” I asked.
“Ash, I want to be the one to tell them. This was a decision that I made and it shouldn’t be your responsibility to tell them.”
I was relieved. I had no idea how I’d even attempt to explain this one. My heart melted because he knew what all of this was doing to me, and he really manned-up.
In all my praying I never felt that I was supposed to leave Steve. There was something about him that made me want to stay. I tried to view this situation through the eyes of Jesus, because I know that He’s smarter than I am.
Romans 8:28
28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
There had to be something good that would come from this mess. A child, for one, is always a blessing; a true gift and miracle from God. There had to be more that God was trying to do in this situation, but I didn’t know what.
It would have been a totally different ball game if Steve were running away from the situation and the responsibilities that came with it. I wouldn’t have been around for that train wreck. Maybe God was trying to get Steve to grow up or get his attention?
He embraced the situation and he was excited to be a dad, and not only that, he was having a boy! He was so excited to be having a little “dude.”
I really struggled with the balance of being supportive and my own feelings. I tried to mask this struggle, but there was a lot going on in my head and in my heart. I tried my best to be encouraging even if it stung.
Our friends Rod and Dee decided to host a baby shower for Steve on June 27, 2010. I was so grateful that Steve had such great friends who were so supportive of him.
It was difficult to be the woman in Steve’s life that he cared about, but yet not be part of the baby shower. Instead, the woman who was carrying his child would be there. (I haven’t decided if I want to include her name).
Steve would soon be experiencing one of the most important events in his life mid July, but I wouldn’t be there to experience it with him.
Instead, I’d be sitting on the sidelines…benched.
Oh baby
It wasn’t long after our first few dates that Steve bought me my own pair of pink Title boxing gloves. I still wasn’t quite sure what to think of him yet.
My initial reaction was, great, now I feel obligated to go to his class…but it didn’t stop there. He also bought my sister a pair too. We were basically a package deal. To get to me, you gotta go through my sister and vice versa. Way to reel her in with a pair of gloves!
It actually ended up being a great thing. Mel and I continued to go to Steve’s boxing classes and I got to know him better too.
Steve and I gradually spent more time together. Some times we’d cook together, work out, go on walks, go to sporting events, or watch UFC fights (Ultimate Fighting Championship).
The more time I spent with Steve, the more I learned about him. I learned he was a very connected guy. He was a smart aleck always prepared with a one-liner or a witty comeback. He didn’t say things in a hurtful way but he had a way of zinging you with truth.
He was intelligent, not only on a general knowledge level, but in his training. He’s the experienced trainer who could take you through a series of movements (exercise assessments) and could tell you exactly what you needed to do to improve the functionality of your body or give you a plan to correct your dysfunction. Steve loved helping people and having fun in the process.
He was a go-getter. If there was something he wanted, he’d work for it.
Well, apparently I was one of those things. We were working out at the gym and he introduced me to someone and said, “this my girlfriend, Ashley.”
I smiled and shook that person’s hand and just went with it in the moment, when inside I was dying, what was he thinking! Did I some how miss the conversation that we were “official” because I don’t remember having that conversation?
After our workout I went home to my sister Melia, who was my roommate at the time and filled her in.
“He introduced me to someone as his girlfriend!”
Now Mel knows me very well. I am what you call a commitment phobe when it comes to relationships. It’s really quite ridiculous actually.
“You can’t just start calling someone your girlfriend without asking her about it.”
We hemmed and hawed about the details of this situation and the positives and negatives of it. It eventually turned into me admitting, “I have a boyfriend.”
June 2010
It was a regular evening and Steve and I were hanging out after work. We had cooked dinner together and he suggested we go on a walk.
We laughed, joked and talked. Just enjoying the evening together.
“I brought you on this walk because there’s something I want to tell you.” When he prefaced this chat with that, of course I had a little bit of panic…he’s going to tell me he loves me. What in the world am I going to do?
But that wasn’t it.
He said “There has been something I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time. I didn’t know where this relationship would go at first and I wanted to see how things developed before I told you.”
“Okay…well you know you can tell me anything right?” I ensured.
“Yes, I know that.” He paused as he gathered his thoughts.
“Ash, I’m going to be a dad.”
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