In All Things, God Works for the Good of Those Who Love Him

05 May 2014Uncategorized0 comments

 

Steve and I continued to spend time together. I couldn’t help but feel the weight of this decision on my shoulders both when we were together and apart. It was always on my mind.

We had more conversations about the whole situation and God continued to work in my heart. This wasn’t going to be easy. I was battling the hurt in my heart and the jealousy of what this woman took from me, and what Steve chose to give away.

“So, how or when are we going to tell my parents?” I asked.

“Ash, I want to be the one to tell them. This was a decision that I made and it shouldn’t be your responsibility to tell them.”

I was relieved. I had no idea how I’d even attempt to explain this one. My heart melted because he knew what all of this was doing to me, and he really manned-up.

In all my praying I never felt that I was supposed to leave Steve. There was something about him that made me want to stay. I tried to view this situation through the eyes of Jesus, because I know that He’s smarter than I am.

 

 

Romans 8:28

28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

 

 

There had to be something good that would come from this mess. A child, for one, is always a blessing; a true gift and miracle from God. There had to be more that God was trying to do in this situation, but I didn’t know what.

It would have been a totally different ball game if Steve were running away from the situation and the responsibilities that came with it. I wouldn’t have been around for that train wreck. Maybe God was trying to get Steve to grow up or get his attention?

He embraced the situation and he was excited to be a dad, and not only that, he was having a boy! He was so excited to be having a little “dude.”

I really struggled with the balance of being supportive and my own feelings. I tried to mask this struggle, but there was a lot going on in my head and in my heart. I tried my best to be encouraging even if it stung.

Our friends Rod and Dee decided to host a baby shower for Steve on June 27, 2010. I was so grateful that Steve had such great friends who were so supportive of him.

It was difficult to be the woman in Steve’s life that he cared about, but yet not be part of the baby shower.  Instead, the woman who was carrying his child would be there. (I haven’t decided if I want to include her name).

Steve would soon be experiencing one of the most important events in his life mid July, but I wouldn’t be there to experience it with him.

 

Instead, I’d be sitting on the sidelines…benched.

 

 

 

 

Limbo, not just a game for birthday parties

27 Apr 2014Major Decisions5 comments

I was dating a man that was going to be a dad. How in the world was I going to deal with this bomb that was dropped on me? He was going to be the father to a child he had with another woman. Could I handle the life-long connection that we’d be forced to have with this other woman? If I stayed with Steve and we got married, that meant I’d be a step-mom…me a step-mom? Can my heart handle all of this and do I actually want to welcome this into my life?

I had flashbacks to our date at Seven downtown Minneapolis. I told him

I think everything has order. I don’t want to have sex before I’m married, I don’t want to have children before I’m married.When things get out of order, things gets messy and God planned it that way for a reason.

I did the math, and Steve knew he was going to be a dad well before the date in which I “laid down the law.” I couldn’t imagine what was going through his mind as those words came out of my mouth.

I also couldn’t understand why he thought he’d continue to pursue me even though he knew what my stance was. There would never be an easy transition of telling me the truth, yet he never jumped ship.

I wasn’t just dealing with the reality of what the situation was and my feelings about it, but I couldn’t begin to imagine if I chose to continue in this relationship, how would I ever tell my parents? All of this was so against what I’ve stood for all my life.

It’s not that I look down on people that have children out of wedlock, but I don’t agree with it. There is a reason why God says no to sex before marriage. Some people view that as his way of “sucking the fun” out of your relationship, or “it’s my right to do what I want” but really it’s God’s way of providing a hedge of protection for our hearts.

God tells us in Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.  Why unite yourself as one body with someone to that level of intimacy without having God’s blessing to do so?

My thoughts on sex before marriage also looked like this: if getting married to me right now scares you, then there’s no way I’m going to have sex with you. If you’re not ready for that level of commitment, then you’re definitely not ready for that level of intimacy. You do not have permission to cross my threshold.

This stance doesn’t come from a place of arrogance, but rather identity in Christ. He has gone before me, been tempted in every way, yet he never failed. He knows the lengths that Satan goes to tempt us, but no matter how much you love someone or think you do in that season of that particular relationship, God will bless you much more in your obedience to him, instead of you satisfying your own human desires.

Now this situation was less than ideal, but I do know that even in this mess, God had a plan.

I prayed about our relationship and asked God to guide me and show me what He wanted for my life. Could this really be His plan for me? I wanted Him to make it obvious as to what my steps forward would be. I had countless conversations with Mel (my sister) about all of this and I didn’t have an immediate answer.

 

 

I continued to pray…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh baby, Part 2

23 Apr 2014Dating6 comments

 

I was silent.

 

Thoughts were riffling through my mind.

How could this be?

When did this happen?

I thought we were on the same page?

This wasn’t what I wanted. Surely he knew that.

What was he thinking?

 

We walked in silence. What had been an evening of joy and laughter quickly turned into confusion, hurt and disbelief.

He didn’t try to fill the conversational void by justify anything about the situation. He didn’t give me any excuses.

We walked up his driveway into his townhouse and sat down on the couch.

Why was this happening? Why was it that I found myself in another situation where I felt like I was again, being faced with dealing with the repercussions of someone else’s decisions? Why couldn’t things be simple?

Things were going so well. There always had to be something. Something I’d have to be accepting of or that I’d “deal with.”

Maybe Steve wasn’t who I thought he was…

I was crushed. I didn’t even know what to say and I didn’t say a word for a long time.

Steve didn’t know what to do.  I could see he wasn’t sure whether to hug me, hold my hand, or if he should keep his distance.

 

Tears streamed down my stoic face.  I was in a daze.

He sat by my side and put his hand on mine.

I wiped my tears.

 

“Ash, I’m so sorry. I wanted to tell you sooner but I wanted to be sure about us.”

 

Steve was sincere in his apology and he apologized several times. I believed him, and I believed in him, but it didn’t make this news any easier to take. I was hurt and I felt betrayed. How could he leave me in the dark about something so huge? Who else knew? How many people had I met that knew he was going to be a dad and I didn’t even know? For crying out loud, I was dating him and I didn’t even know?

 

My gaze shifted from a far off place, to his face.

“I know you’re sorry and I believe you… I’m feeling a lot of different emotions right now.”

I told him exactly how I felt.

Hurt. Betrayed. Deceived. Confused. Sad. Disappointed. Upset. Crushed.

His eyes welled up, and  we were both crying. We wiped each other’s tears.

It was then I felt God nudging me to say something… He filled me with compassion, and gave me the words that God knew Steve needed to hear in that moment.

“Steve, you’re going to be such a great dad.”

He smiled a little, sniffled, and breathed a sigh of relief. Those words made him tear up even more. It was as if hearing those simple words provided him with the heavenly assurance he needed to hear and the load of his secret had been lifted off his shoulders.

We were now comforting each other. He knew I was completely crushed and I knew he was terrified.

I asked him questions about what had happened. Who was this other woman? When did this happen? What was his plan? And a bunch of other questions I won’t re-hash online.

I could see how shaken he was by the reality of what being a father meant for his life. Major changes were coming whether he was ready for them or not.

Again I wiped my tears. My heart had just taken a devastating blow.

I wasn’t angry with him, but I knew we had just hit a major fork in the road.

 

 

 

 

Oh baby

19 Apr 2014Dates, Uncategorized3 comments

It wasn’t long after our first few dates that Steve bought me my own pair of pink Title boxing gloves. I still wasn’t quite sure what to think of him yet.

DSC_0049

 

My initial reaction was, great, now I feel obligated to go to his class…but it didn’t stop there. He also bought my sister a pair too. We were basically a package deal. To get to me, you gotta go through my sister and vice versa. Way to reel her in with a pair of gloves!

It actually ended up being a great thing. Mel and I continued to go to Steve’s boxing classes and I got to know him better too.

Steve and I gradually spent more time together. Some times we’d cook together, work out, go on walks, go to sporting events, or watch UFC fights (Ultimate Fighting Championship).

The more time I spent with Steve, the more I learned about him. I learned he was a very connected guy. He was a smart aleck always prepared with a one-liner or a witty comeback. He didn’t say things in a hurtful way but he had a way of zinging you with truth.

He was intelligent, not only on a general knowledge level, but in his training. He’s the experienced trainer who could take you through a series of movements (exercise assessments) and could tell you exactly what you needed to do to improve the functionality of your body or give you a plan to correct your dysfunction.  Steve loved helping people and having fun in the process.

He was a go-getter. If there was something he wanted, he’d work for it.

Well, apparently I was one of those things. We were working out at the gym and he introduced me to someone and said, “this my girlfriend, Ashley.”

I smiled and shook that person’s hand and just went with it in the moment, when inside I was dying, what was he thinking! Did I some how miss the conversation that we were “official” because I don’t remember having that conversation?

After our workout I went home to my sister Melia, who was my roommate at the time and filled her in.

“He introduced me to someone as his girlfriend!”

Now Mel knows me very well. I am what you call a commitment phobe when it comes to relationships. It’s really quite ridiculous actually.

“You can’t just start calling someone your girlfriend without asking her about it.”

We hemmed and hawed about the details of this situation and the positives and negatives of it. It eventually turned into me admitting,  “I have a boyfriend.”

 

 

June 2010

 

It was a regular evening and Steve and I were hanging out after work. We had cooked dinner together and he suggested we go on a walk.

We laughed, joked and talked. Just enjoying the evening together.

“I brought you on this walk because there’s something I want to tell you.” When he prefaced this chat with that, of course I had a little bit of panic…he’s going to tell me he loves me. What in the world am I going to do?

 

But that wasn’t it.

 

He said “There has been something I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time. I didn’t know where this relationship would go at first and I wanted to see how things developed before I told you.”

 

“Okay…well you know you can tell me anything right?” I ensured.

 

“Yes, I know that.” He paused as he gathered his thoughts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Ash, I’m going to be a dad.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Introducing, the Steve Toms Foundation

10 Apr 2014Steve Toms Foundation2 comments

IMG_1028

 

Some people walk into our lives, and the impression they leave in our hearts is eternal.

Some people have the ability to light a fire within us, and that flame gives us the confidence to shine brighter than we ever thought was possible.

Some people have the ability to see beyond the limitations set by the world, but even more than that, they live fearlessly and make strides beyond the boundaries of “the box.”

Some people face circumstances that would paralyze most, but rather than seeing those same circumstances as an obstacle, they’re used as a stepping-stone.

 

Those are a few of the words I wrote not long after Steve had passed away. These words not only describe Steve, but also my approach and response to losing him.

Steve Toms: A man who has left an eternal impression in the hearts of many people throughout his short 35 years of life. Steve pushed me and others to be their best not only from an athletic standpoint, but in all aspects of life.

He had the ability to see your potential and not only that; he’d do whatever he could to help you reach it. He wasn’t limited by the expectations of others or the rules of this world, but instead pushed the limits. A loving father, husband, and friend; Steve will always be a driving force that reminds us to live life to it’s fullest.

What started as a dream and a call to action from a dear friend, Stien Davis, is now a reality.  With your help, the Steve Toms Foundation will be able to carry on the legacy of what Steve was all about, teaching people to live a life of Vitality.

We’re excited to officially launch the Steve Toms Foundation.  Please join us in the first annual State of Vitality golf tournament on Monday June 30, 2014.

 

 STF logo full

For more information and to register for this event, go to: www.stevetomsfoundation.org

Like our Steve Toms Foundation Facebook Page

Follow the Steve Toms Foundation on Twitter: @stevetoms22   #stateofvitality

 

As Steve would say, “LET’S DO THIS!”

Enjoy the day you’ve been blessed with,

Ashley

 

 

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