dating
Diamonds Are Made Under Pressure
Mid July, was staring me in the face. All of our talk of Steve becoming a dad would soon be a reality. The thoughts, ideas, dreams, and what-ifs would be a thing of the past.
Steve and I were at his town home making dinner together as usual. Our time together seemed to grow more serious. We both were trying to find a balance in the situation.
For me, I was battling being supportive whole-heartedly. I knew I was going to support him the best I could, even though my heart was torn. The day he would become a dad would be a joyful day for him and a heartbreaking one for me. Don’t get me wrong, I would love that little boy with all of my heart, but my dreams were shattered.
I had always dreamed that I’d be sharing the rookie year of parenting with my husband. Instead, my boyfriend would be experiencing this first with another woman. Ouch!
Steve had gotten over the initial shock of being a father. He was so excited to be a dad, yet I knew he struggled with how all of this made me feel. He knew how hurt I was, and was very sensitive to that.
He communicated his feelings for me very clearly to me to thwart off any doubt in my mind about how he felt about me. Having a child with another woman wasn’t going to change his feelings for me, and he flat out told me that.
He wanted to be with me and only me.
He checked our food on the stove and said “Ash, come here,” as he motioned me into the kitchen, patted the counter, inviting me to sit down.
Okay, I thought. What is he doing?
“I just want you to know that I may not always say this to you in the exact same way, or show you in the exact same way, but I just want you to know…” He reached under my legs, pulled open the kitchen drawer and took out a small box.
My heart sank…
“I love you.”
Speechless, I looked down at the box, (with a sigh of relief that it wasn’t a ring), to see a beautiful pair of diamond earrings.
My mind was spinning through the rolodex of responses I could give. I wasn’t sure of what type of response he thought he’d get. Oh my goodness, he just told me he loved me! I can’t say it back; I’m not ready to say it back.
“Thank you.”
I put my arms around his neck and gave him big a hug.
“That was really thoughtful, thank you.” I proceeded to put the earrings on.
No one had ever bought me diamond earrings before, but it was totally in Steve’s character to be thoughtful and giving. Like the time he bought me my own pair of pink Title boxing gloves.
He was so selfless, and was always willing to help people any way he could. There were so many things I adored about him, far beyond any gift he could ever give me. Would those qualities and my feelings outweigh my fear of this situation? Was I really going to walk into all of this and choose this life for myself?
Steve made me feel so special that day, yet I knew there would be challenges to come, especially in the days ahead.
In All Things, God Works for the Good of Those Who Love Him
Steve and I continued to spend time together. I couldn’t help but feel the weight of this decision on my shoulders both when we were together and apart. It was always on my mind.
We had more conversations about the whole situation and God continued to work in my heart. This wasn’t going to be easy. I was battling the hurt in my heart and the jealousy of what this woman took from me, and what Steve chose to give away.
“So, how or when are we going to tell my parents?” I asked.
“Ash, I want to be the one to tell them. This was a decision that I made and it shouldn’t be your responsibility to tell them.”
I was relieved. I had no idea how I’d even attempt to explain this one. My heart melted because he knew what all of this was doing to me, and he really manned-up.
In all my praying I never felt that I was supposed to leave Steve. There was something about him that made me want to stay. I tried to view this situation through the eyes of Jesus, because I know that He’s smarter than I am.
Romans 8:28
28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
There had to be something good that would come from this mess. A child, for one, is always a blessing; a true gift and miracle from God. There had to be more that God was trying to do in this situation, but I didn’t know what.
It would have been a totally different ball game if Steve were running away from the situation and the responsibilities that came with it. I wouldn’t have been around for that train wreck. Maybe God was trying to get Steve to grow up or get his attention?
He embraced the situation and he was excited to be a dad, and not only that, he was having a boy! He was so excited to be having a little “dude.”
I really struggled with the balance of being supportive and my own feelings. I tried to mask this struggle, but there was a lot going on in my head and in my heart. I tried my best to be encouraging even if it stung.
Our friends Rod and Dee decided to host a baby shower for Steve on June 27, 2010. I was so grateful that Steve had such great friends who were so supportive of him.
It was difficult to be the woman in Steve’s life that he cared about, but yet not be part of the baby shower. Instead, the woman who was carrying his child would be there. (I haven’t decided if I want to include her name).
Steve would soon be experiencing one of the most important events in his life mid July, but I wouldn’t be there to experience it with him.
Instead, I’d be sitting on the sidelines…benched.
Limbo, not just a game for birthday parties
I was dating a man that was going to be a dad. How in the world was I going to deal with this bomb that was dropped on me? He was going to be the father to a child he had with another woman. Could I handle the life-long connection that we’d be forced to have with this other woman? If I stayed with Steve and we got married, that meant I’d be a step-mom…me a step-mom? Can my heart handle all of this and do I actually want to welcome this into my life?
I had flashbacks to our date at Seven downtown Minneapolis. I told him
I think everything has order. I don’t want to have sex before I’m married, I don’t want to have children before I’m married.When things get out of order, things gets messy and God planned it that way for a reason.
I did the math, and Steve knew he was going to be a dad well before the date in which I “laid down the law.” I couldn’t imagine what was going through his mind as those words came out of my mouth.
I also couldn’t understand why he thought he’d continue to pursue me even though he knew what my stance was. There would never be an easy transition of telling me the truth, yet he never jumped ship.
I wasn’t just dealing with the reality of what the situation was and my feelings about it, but I couldn’t begin to imagine if I chose to continue in this relationship, how would I ever tell my parents? All of this was so against what I’ve stood for all my life.
It’s not that I look down on people that have children out of wedlock, but I don’t agree with it. There is a reason why God says no to sex before marriage. Some people view that as his way of “sucking the fun” out of your relationship, or “it’s my right to do what I want” but really it’s God’s way of providing a hedge of protection for our hearts.
God tells us in Proverbs 4:23 Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Why unite yourself as one body with someone to that level of intimacy without having God’s blessing to do so?
My thoughts on sex before marriage also looked like this: if getting married to me right now scares you, then there’s no way I’m going to have sex with you. If you’re not ready for that level of commitment, then you’re definitely not ready for that level of intimacy. You do not have permission to cross my threshold.
This stance doesn’t come from a place of arrogance, but rather identity in Christ. He has gone before me, been tempted in every way, yet he never failed. He knows the lengths that Satan goes to tempt us, but no matter how much you love someone or think you do in that season of that particular relationship, God will bless you much more in your obedience to him, instead of you satisfying your own human desires.
Now this situation was less than ideal, but I do know that even in this mess, God had a plan.
I prayed about our relationship and asked God to guide me and show me what He wanted for my life. Could this really be His plan for me? I wanted Him to make it obvious as to what my steps forward would be. I had countless conversations with Mel (my sister) about all of this and I didn’t have an immediate answer.
I continued to pray…
Oh baby, Part 2
I was silent.
Thoughts were riffling through my mind.
How could this be?
When did this happen?
I thought we were on the same page?
This wasn’t what I wanted. Surely he knew that.
What was he thinking?
We walked in silence. What had been an evening of joy and laughter quickly turned into confusion, hurt and disbelief.
He didn’t try to fill the conversational void by justify anything about the situation. He didn’t give me any excuses.
We walked up his driveway into his townhouse and sat down on the couch.
Why was this happening? Why was it that I found myself in another situation where I felt like I was again, being faced with dealing with the repercussions of someone else’s decisions? Why couldn’t things be simple?
Things were going so well. There always had to be something. Something I’d have to be accepting of or that I’d “deal with.”
Maybe Steve wasn’t who I thought he was…
I was crushed. I didn’t even know what to say and I didn’t say a word for a long time.
Steve didn’t know what to do. I could see he wasn’t sure whether to hug me, hold my hand, or if he should keep his distance.
Tears streamed down my stoic face. I was in a daze.
He sat by my side and put his hand on mine.
I wiped my tears.
“Ash, I’m so sorry. I wanted to tell you sooner but I wanted to be sure about us.”
Steve was sincere in his apology and he apologized several times. I believed him, and I believed in him, but it didn’t make this news any easier to take. I was hurt and I felt betrayed. How could he leave me in the dark about something so huge? Who else knew? How many people had I met that knew he was going to be a dad and I didn’t even know? For crying out loud, I was dating him and I didn’t even know?
My gaze shifted from a far off place, to his face.
“I know you’re sorry and I believe you… I’m feeling a lot of different emotions right now.”
I told him exactly how I felt.
Hurt. Betrayed. Deceived. Confused. Sad. Disappointed. Upset. Crushed.
His eyes welled up, and we were both crying. We wiped each other’s tears.
It was then I felt God nudging me to say something… He filled me with compassion, and gave me the words that God knew Steve needed to hear in that moment.
“Steve, you’re going to be such a great dad.”
He smiled a little, sniffled, and breathed a sigh of relief. Those words made him tear up even more. It was as if hearing those simple words provided him with the heavenly assurance he needed to hear and the load of his secret had been lifted off his shoulders.
We were now comforting each other. He knew I was completely crushed and I knew he was terrified.
I asked him questions about what had happened. Who was this other woman? When did this happen? What was his plan? And a bunch of other questions I won’t re-hash online.
I could see how shaken he was by the reality of what being a father meant for his life. Major changes were coming whether he was ready for them or not.
Again I wiped my tears. My heart had just taken a devastating blow.
I wasn’t angry with him, but I knew we had just hit a major fork in the road.
Sweaty Betty and Nickelback
Our next date that stands out to me was on May 24, 2010. We went to the Nickelback concert at the Target Center with Rod and DeeAnn, two of Steve’s friends and clients. It was the first time we had met in person, although we had heard about each other before.
I was nervous because I was the young one of the group, and I didn’t know what they’d think of me. I was just barely getting into my teaching career and they were both well established with two grown kids. I wasn’t sure what we were going to talk about.
Steve introduced us and we greeted each other with a hug. DeeAnn was in great shape and had a smile that was so inviting. She made me feel comfortable right away. Rod was easy to talk to as well.
I enjoyed watching Steve interact with the two of them. DeeAnn was one of Steve’s hardcore clients. This woman can do lunges for days and has a heart of gold. Now Steve and Rod, aka “meathead” (Steve actually called several people meathead) would razz each other. Dee and I got a good chuckle at those two goofballs acting like teenage boys.
We were going to get some beverages before the concert when Steve realized he forgot his ID. I had to laugh. Here is this grown man who is unprepared for our date, and I end up purchasing our beverages. It wasn’t a big deal to me, but we had a good laugh about it. I went and purchased two beverages from Wally the Beer Man.
The concert started with a bang! I’d heard of Nickelback before and knew a few of their songs, but of course I did more research before I went to the concert. A girl’s gotta be educated!
We had great seats second level, but close to the stage. It was a hot one, and I thought I had prepared by wearing a tank top, shorts and heels. It was bad enough to be roasting because of the warm weather, but things got worse.
I started to sweat, and not just the “crap my face is getting shinny” kind of sweat, we’re talking beads. Beads of sweat running down my face, back, chest and even legs.
I didn’t want to sit down because what was going on was the type of sweating situation that when you stand up you feel like you peed your pants; and for a second you think, did I? Gross.
I glanced over and was happy that I wasn’t the only one who was struggling. All four of us were blazing!
To make matters worse, Nickelback’s staging consisted of firing off 20-foot torches, blazing a flame that was packing heat comparable to the sun. Once, was cool and the response was many ooohs and ahhhs, but for crying out loud, quit with the flames! Every time they fired the flames the temperature of the Target Center seemed to increase 20 degrees. Ugh!
It became a joke. When we’d complain about the flame action, it’s as if the stage manager was secretly in on our conversation and tripped the switch just to aggravate us even more.
We ended up taking our own intermissions throughout the concert. The heat was out of control, and with all of that sweating we had to rehydrate.
When the concert was over we thanked Rod and Dee for inviting us and said our goodbyes. Steve and I both looked like we had just finished working out, but we still had a great time together.
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