mixed emotions

It’s a boy!

20 May 2014JT0 comments

I waited for hours, wondering when I’d hear from Steve.  Time, ticking by ever so slowly as each minute painfully dragged on.

My mind wouldn’t rest. I imagined what the whole scene would be like. The two of them in the delivery room, what sort of exchange would they have? Would he hold her hand and encourage her just as he did me—not in delivery of course.  How did they even interact anyway? I mean, it has to be such an awkward experience to figure out how to act with the woman who was giving birth to your child when you’re in love with someone else, or at least I think it would be.

However they interacted, I don’t know. I just know that if I kept playing out every scenario any longer I’d go crazy.

The situation was challenging enough for me, but there was another aspect that was difficult for me too.

I was the woman Steve was in love with, although I hadn’t told him I loved him, I cared for him deeply. It was so hard to not be part of the biggest events of his life or to even be there in that moment supporting him.  Obviously I wouldn’t be, but still. When you’re in a relationship you’re supposed to love and support each other through everything.

Thankfully he had great friends that were there when baby JT was born.  One of his friends Justine recalled the day…

Justine and baby JT.

Jado and I went to the hospital together that day. She was in labor when we got there and I vividly remember Steve stepping out of the delivery room with tears in his eyes that his son was born! It was one of my favorite days! We went back later that day to see baby JT.

Jado and baby JT. He was here. This sweet baby boy was here. I was happy for Steve because I knew his heart was full of the greatest joy he’d ever known. All the fear, worry and anxiety was silenced by the birth of his son. God had guided him up to this point, surely Steve knew He wouldn’t stop now.

The birth of JT pushed Steve to grown in many ways. As a man, in his faith, and now as a father. He was committed to doing everything he could to love this little dude and to help him be the best he could be by training him up in the ways of the Lord so he would be who God designed him to be.

Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.  Proverbs 22:6

When we saw each other for the first time, I felt bipolar in my emotions. I could see the joy he had in being a father to his sweet miracle displayed all across his face. I was trying my best not to show my hurt by building him up, asking him questions to show I cared, telling him how happy I was for him and again affirming him that he was going to be such an amazing dad.

What he once feared was now something he embraced and he knew JT was a beautiful blessing from God.

 

This sweet baby boy would change his life…forever.

Steve and JT.

Steve and JT, July 14, 2010

Just remember, I love you.

14 May 2014Uncategorized0 comments

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Today wasn’t just any ordinary day at the gym. I had trained with Steve earlier and then I was going to spend the day relaxing by the pool, or trying to relax I should say.

It was a rough one. The man I cared about was going to be leaving work to have a baby with another woman. I was dreading the moment he would call me saying he was leaving to go to the hospital.

I always wanted the experience of having my first child to be something I shared with my husband.  This was supposed to be an experience for a married us, instead of a non-married them. That plan was out the window. It was hard to swallow the fact that my boyfriend, the man I cared about more than anyone, would be leaving to support another woman in labor.  Is this really my life right now?

I tried to relax and calm my spirit by the pool, but I was restless. I laid on my stomach as tears rolled down my face just thinking about it; breathing slow controlled breaths, trying to get myself to calm down.

I felt sick to my stomach. What if he changes his mind about me? What if the birth of his son is so overwhelming and such a life changing experience that it brings them closer together and he decides he wants to be with her? No, he wouldn’t ever do that…would he?

All the time we’ve spent together, being so happy together, being passionate about the same things, working through the ups and down of the situation, surely that had to be enough?

 

He told me he loved me…surely he meant it.

He meant it.

He loves me.

Steve… loves… me,

and only me.

 

 

My phone rang; I glanced down and saw Steve’s name and picture on my phone.

Pulling myself together I said, “hello?”

“Ash I just wanted to tell you that I’m leaving now, and I love you.”

“Okay,” I replied, attempting to hold back my sniffle and tears.

“I will call you when I get back, okay?”

 

“Okay.” I muttered.

 

We hung up. It was happening.

Steve was leaving the gym and the next time I’d see him, he’d be a dad.

I cried, lying on the pool deck, as the commotion of the kids swimming and the upbeat music played in the background. I was anything but upbeat. I wanted crawl into a hole.

 

My phone vibrated, I opened up the text and it read:

 

“Ashley, remember that I love you.”